Heroes: Season 3 in 15 Minutes Parody
by sweetbabymomma
Summary: So. You missed season 3? Catch up!
1. Chapter 1

**Title: **Angels and Monsters in 15 minutes

**Author:** **Vorobey008**

**Genre: **Parody

**Raiting:** PG-13?

**Word count:** 1091

**Spoilers: **3x05 Angels and Monsters

**Summary:** missed the 3х05 ep? Catch up!

**A/N:** inspired by **hymenchan** and **m15m** LJ Community. Translated by **sweet_babymomma**. Beta'd by **kathrynthegr8** and **boonies** (thank you! thank you! thank you!)

**A/N2:** should I translate some more episodes? You tell me.

_Previously on Heroes..._

**Angela: **Where is the second part of the formula?

**Hiro:** Stolen.

**Angela:** We need to find the thief!

**Hiro:** Please let me find him!

**Angela:** Hmm... Let me think... Well... Since noone else accepted this stupid mission... OK! Go!

**** 

**Future!Sylar:** My power is not only about understanding how things work... It's also about the HUNGER! I couldn't control it and it turned me into a sex god with a panty-melting stare... 

**Peter ***is interested* 

**Future!Sylar:** Now you are the same as me, BROTHER!

**AND NOW...**

**"Angels & Monsters"**

_Nathan's apartment _

**Ghost!Linderman:** Got milk? 

**Nathan: **Want some? 

**Ghost!Linderman: **Naaah! 

**Nathan: **A-ha! I knew it! You're a ghost! Only ghosts wouldn't want a glass of milk in the middle of the night! 

**Ghost!Linderman ***sighs* Yeah, yeah, you're right, have a cookie. 

**Nathan: **YES! Now tell me something... How did you know that that crazy chick would want to jump from the bridge? 

**Ghost!Linderman:** You mean Tracy?

 **Nathan: **Niki, Tracy... Whatever! They look like clones anyway. And what are you doing here? 

**Ghost!Linderman:** Moses saw a burning bush. Mary heard the angel. God came to Samuel in his dreams... 

**Nathan:** Got it. Sylar's got a power, Peter's got his own cheerleader, and I get a walking dead guy who quotes the Bible. Damn you, special effects crew! **Tracy:** Nathan? Who are you talking to? 

**Nathan:** I'm talking to a fridge, honey! 

**Tracy:** *to herself* Alright, he's a psycho. But at least the man is not a drunk and has a career! *turns to the fridge* Hi! I'm Tracy Strauss! Nice to meet you!

_Level 5_

**Peter ***pushes Sylar against the wall*

**Peter/Sylar shippers:** Oh come on you guys! You know you wanna do it!

**Sylar:** Now you've got my hunger... and... MY PAJAMA PANTS?!

**Peter:** I'll never dress the way you do!

**Sylar:** Too late... BROTHER!

**Peter:** NOOOO! Your dressing skills suck! *breaks Sylar's neck*

_*enters Angela*_

**Angela: **Peter, WTF?!

**Peter:** You promised me a puppy and what have I get now? ANOTHER BROTHER?!

**Angela** *wants to hide*

**Peter:** BRAIIINS! *starts cutting into Mommy's head*

_Bennets' (mad)house_

**Sandra** *silently curses to herself*

**Meredith:** What's the matter?

**Sandra: **My husband's gone, Mr Muggles is shedding its coat, and my son... what's his name again?.. Never mind. What really worries me is that Claire forgot to turn on her phone again! Such a screwup, that girl!

**Meredith:** She obviously took after her mother!

**Sandra:** What was that – an insult or a self-abuse?.. Anyway, we have to do something! What if Claire went to these monsters! *hands Meredith a pack of files*

**Meredith** *takes one of the files* Hey, I know this guy! And, what's more important, he lives just around the corner. I won't be able to go far in those pumps I always wear! I'll go get him!

**Sandra:** I'm coming with you!

**Meredith: **Do you know Kung-Fu?

**Sandra: **No...

**Meredith:** Well then, sit here AND LEARN IT!

_Noah, Sylar and The Apple in the car_

**The Apple: **Bite me Sylar!.. Oh yeah that's it!.. I'm so sweet and ripe – just like that jailbait cheerleader... what is her name?

**Sylaire shippers: **CLAIRE!!!

**The Apple: **Blaire? Whatever! Sylar, baby... Mark me, make me yours... Get straight to my core...

**Sylar** *is trying to find some kind of classic rock fm on the radio*

**Noah ***is talking through his clenched teeth* When you tried to kill my wife back in season 1, I swallowed it... When I read in Sylar/Claire community WHAT you've done to my Claire-Bear, I nearly ca... died! But I stomached it! BUT NOW YOU GOT ME! HANDS OFF MY RADIO! I MEAN IT!

**Sylar** *raising his eyebrow of doom* Actually I didn't even touch it...

**Noah:** AGHRRRR!!!

The Apple: Shut up, Noah! Don't you see you're distracting him? *to Sylar* Don't listen to him honey and, what's more important, don't talk! EAT! You haven't finished with me yet...

_Isaac's ex-loft -- now Mohinder's lab._  

**Mohinder** *is looking at his back covered with god-knows-what* It could be some side effects of the formula... Or maybe I should take a shower every once in a while.

*enters Maya, dressed skankier than ever*

**Maya:** I heard that your neighbour's lost...

**Mohinder:** You HEARD him? Did he scream THAT loud?

**Maya** *notices blood on the floor* Oh what a mess! I better go before you asked me to wash the floor! *leaves looking disturbed, as if it wasn't her who killed more people than Sylar and The Company put together*

_House of the Black Hole Man (BHM) _.

**Claire** and **BHM** *are talking* 

**Claire:** You are so boring! Do you play strip poker?

*enters Noah*

**Noah:** CLAIRE?!

**Claire: **DAD?!

**BHM:** What? Did you set me up? *hides behind Claire*

**Hero!Sylar:** Let her go!

**Sylaire shippers: **You heard him!

**Claire:** Sylar?

**Sylar:** Claire?

**Claire:** Dad, what is HE doing here?

**BHM:** Can I have some attention please?

**Noah: **Let her go, CANFIELD!

**Viewers:** Now we know his name! Yay!

**Canfield:** I can make black holes! Check this out! *makes a black hole and disappears*

**Sylar: **I have powers too and they are better than yours! *disappears*

**Noah:** HOLD ON, CLAIRE!

**Claire: **I CAN'T!! DADDYYYYYYY!

**Sylar** *reappears and saves the screaming blonde*

**Claire** *is looking as if she's ready to bite her hand touched by Sylar right off*

**Noah** *seems torn between saying 'Don't touch her you son of a bitch!' and 'God bless you my children'* AGRHHHH!

_Level 5_

**Peter ***is resting in a cell in Primatech with a tube up his nose*

**Nathan:** What's up with Peter?

**Angela:** Who's Peter?

**Nathan:** He's your son! Here he is!

**Angela:** Ah, that son... I put him in a coma.

**Nathan: **WHAT? Why?

**Angela:** And what did you expect? Should I have spanked and cornered him? A good mother would never hit her child! She _might_ send him to his death but spanking is out of the question!

_In the amusement park_

**Noah:** Canfield, kill Sylar!

**Claire: **No! I want to kill him MYSELF!

**Canfield** *is crying* You're so evil! *disappears*

_In Noah's car_

**Noah:** I did what I had to do blah-blah-blah for you blah-blah-blah, Claire-bear!

**Sylar ***from the back seat* I'm still here! Your father's lying, Claire!

**Noah: **Have you heard anything?

**Claire:** No!

**Noah:** Let's make out!

**Sylar:** Ew! Gross!

_Bennets' (mad)house _

**Sandra: **I'm so so happy that Meredith found you! 

**Claire:** Meredith?! Damn it! Someone's in trouble again!

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** 3x19 - Shades of Gray Parody.

**Author:** Vorobey008

**Genre:** Parody

**Рейтинг:** R

_Bennets' (hell's)kitchen_

CLAIRE: *peeks into the microwave* Popcorn, where are you?

DOYLE: Er... I'm here.

CLAIRE: WTF?

VIEWERS *are confused* He confronted Sylar and is still alive. How's that even possible? Should we ship Sylar/Doyle now?!

DOYLE: Hello, Barbie!

CLAIRE: Hello, Ken... I mean, get the hell outta here! And give me my popcorn back!

DOYLE: Someone I don't know texted me that you'd save me.

CLAIRE: So?!

DOYLE: Well, save me.

CLAIRE: Do not want.

_*enter__s __Sandra*_

SANDRA: Claire, what took you so long... HOLY SHIT! DOYLE! HANDS OFF MY POPCORN, NOW!

DOYLE: You greedy-guts! *leaves crying*

_Washington DC. Evil!Nathan headquarters._

NATHAN: Blah-blah-blah, I'm your boss!

DANKO: Blah-blah-blah, I don't care!

NATHAN: Okay. Are you keeping tabs on Parkman?

DANKO: As closely as if he were my son.

NATHAN: So why is he standing in front of the US Capitol with a bomb attached to his chest?!

DANKO: Well... I never wanted one.

_Washington DC, near the Capitol. _

MATT: This is not my vest! See? Its color doesn't match my eyes!

THE TEAM: You look great!

_*enter__s__ Nathan*_

NATHAN: Take this vest off! It makes you look fat.

MATT: *to the SWAT* Liars! *to Nathan* I'm tangled in the wires! I wonder who designed this vest...

  NATHAN: Let's pull one of them out.

MATT: Which one?.. Oh, I know! Why don't we ask the bomb squad?

NATHAN: No, this is not cool. Let's have you read their mind!

MATT: *is reading their mind*

_De-miner#1: This silly brain-basket fits too tightly..._

_De-miner#2: This Petrelli is just ADORABLE! I totally have to ask him out!_

_De-miner#3: How much longer are you going to __space out__? _Blow up already!_ Otherwise I'll miss the «American Idol» finale!_

_De-miner#4: Oh god, I knew it. Here we go again: «the red wire or the black wire»?_

MATT: Red or black? Red or black? Red or black????

NATHAN: Let's pull out... the white one.

_Samson Gray's dump_

SYLAR: Hello?

SAMSON: Postman?

SYLAR: Even better! I'm your son.

SAMSON: What do you want? You're distracting me from rabbit murder, so be quick.

SYLAR: I'm gonna kill you.

SAMSON *turns around to show him a tube up his nose and an oxygen tank under his arm* Huh! Too late!

_Washington DC, Evil!Nathan headquarters._

DANKO: I'm not even going to deny that I was the one who attached that bomb to Parkman's chest. That's how much I disrespect you!

NATHAN: You screwed up, asshole! I'll tell the President on you.

DANKO: Try it – and I'll play this tape for him. *turns on the record-player*

_TRACY'S VOICE: You're one of us, Nathan! One of us!_

NATHAN: Don't know what you're talking about *flies away*

_Tanning salon_

DANKO: You said: _«Nathan, you're one of us»_. What did you mean exactly?

TRACY: Oh, nothing! We go to the same knitting circle together. *winks into the camera*

DANKO: Damn these Petrellis! How do they do that? He chained her to the chair and she's still trying to protect him!

_Costa Verde, California. Sam's Comics Shop._

 A BESPECTACLED GUY (ABG): Do you have any experience in the sphere of the disposal of goods? [I'm not sure what he's asking here.]

CLAIRE: I... buy?

ABG: Can you work on Wednesdays?

CLAIRE: Wednesdays?

ABG: That's right. It's a day between Tuesday and Thursday. It was devoted to Mercury in ancient Rome. In southern Europe, Mercury bore the name of Odin – therefore its English and Dutch names. In the countries where Sunday was the first day of the week Wednesday was right in its middle – and that's the etymology of its Russian and German versions...

CLAIRE: OMG! I think I better be going...

ABG: FREEZE! You got the job.

CLAIRE *is happy*

_Samson Gray's dump_

SAMSON: Are you still here? *a heartbreaking cough*

SYLAR: Dad, that's disgusting! How could you become this way? You were a KILLER and just look at you now! You look like that crazy geezer from a Clint Eastwood movie (.com/watch?v=hgFTKuWWYhQ)!

SAMSON: Stop whining! Check this out! *charms a rabbit with whistling*

SYLAR: This is so cool!

SAMSON: So. Do you want to talk some more or do you want to kill the rabbit?

SYLAR *kills the rabbit*

*children's crying and satanists' roaring are heard offscreen*

_Manhattan. __A fancy restaurant. _

DANKO *is watching Angela suck out an oyster*

ANGELA: Do you know what _le __cunnilingus_ is?

DANKO: Le cunni... what?!

ANGELA: I'll show you. Well, this oyster stands for...

DANKO: I think I'm getting the idea. So, what is Nathan's power?

ANGELA: ...stands for _Danko_. *devours another oyster*

DANKO: Good-bye, Mrs. Petrelli! *leaves hurriedly*

ANGELA: Nathan's got none! *to the waiter* Do you know what _le __cunnilingus_ is?

_Samson Gray's dump_

SAMSON: _People=shit._

SYLAR: Says who?

SAMSON: Corey Taylor from Slipknot.

SYLAR: _I'm everything you'll never be._ *cuts his hand and the cut heals*

SAMSON *is jealous*

SYLAR: _Watcha gonna do?_

SAMSON: _It isn't like I wanna sift through the decay, I__ feel like a wound, like I got a f***in' gun against my head, you live when I'm dead! _ *nails his son on the wall and whistles a lullaby* _People=shit, people=shit..._

(in a few moments)

SYLAR *wakes up* _What do you want from me?_

SAMSON *is cutting into his head* _I wanna leave without a trace, c__uz I don't wanna die in this place!_

SYLAR *pulls the arrow out of his chest* _Eat this!_

SAMSON *is afraid* _Whatcha gonna do?_

SYLAR: _None of your business. Everybody hates me now, so f**k it. __Blood's on my face and my hands, and I_... I... I'm leaving and taking the stuffed rabbit with me.

_Washington DC, Evil!Nathan headquarters._

NATHAN: You're fired!

DANKO *is hurt*

NATHAN: I think I better talk to you with my back facing the glass wall.

DANKO: Good idea, Senator! Now take a walk down this skyscraper! *throws Nathan through the glass wall*

NATHAN: _I believe I can flyyyyyyy...._

_To be continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** 3x22 - Turn and Face the Strange Parody

**Author:** Vorobey008

**Translated** by sweet_babymomma

**Genre:** Parody

**Rating:** PG-13

**Word count:** 927

A huge THANK YOU to **hiding_duh** for betaing this mess! All mistakes are mine.

_Previously..._

ANGELA: I slept so well in the House of God! Oh joys of Catholicism! I had such a wonderful dream about Danko and oysters and... Anyway. Now we need to find Nathan and Claire before they put Nabokov's «Lolita» into practice.

_Janice __Parkman's house _

VIEWERS: Wow, she's bought herself one neat place with her ex's alimony!

HIRO&ANDO: We are fed up with trying to save the Cheerleader, but we still need to save someone otherwise the script writers will get rid of us. Give us Parkman-junior, Matt Parkman's ex-wife!

JANICE: WTF?!

_*there's a knock on the door__*_

AGENTS SMITHS: Janice Parkman, we need to question you and your son.

JANIS JANICE: You see, he can't talk yet...

AGENTS SMITHS: We are the government agents. We can make ANYONE talk.

ANDO: Hello!

AGENTS SMITHS: Get a gun-butt in the teeth!

HIRO: Time, stop! (in 5 minutes, dragging a truck with Ando in it) #$%, Ando! American food is evil! No more waffles for you!

_Morgue_

NOAH *is drinking in the sight of the dead Sylar*

DANKO: Stop groping him you pervert! The man is DEAD!

NOAH: How did you do that? I was hunting him down for YEARS and you killed him in a week.

DANKO: Unlike you, genius, and your brainiac daughter, I knew that the glass melts in the fire. That's why I used my pocket knife. I suspect that you didn't really want to separate from him – just like you don't want to divorce from your estranged wife.

SOME WOMAN: Mr. Bennet, your wife is here.

NOAH: That's weird!

SOME WOMAN: She wants to see you!

NOAH: That's even more weird!

SANDRA: I'm sick of staying at home and talking to a dog! I need company! Where's our daughter?

NOAH: She's safe. Honey, why don't you...

SANDRA: WHERE THE HELL IS CLAIRE?!

DANKO: You must be Mrs Bennet? I saw your picture *smiles as suggestively as if that picture was published in «Hustler»*

SANDRA: I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE SEEN!

DANKO: It's always nice to talk to a true lady! _*leaves*_

_Someone's apartment_

MOHINDER: I'm going back to India!

MATT *is polishing his gun* Uh-huh.

MOHINDER: Are you coming with me honey?

MATT: No, I'm staying. They killed my girlfriend and I want to take vengeance.

MOHINDER *is hurt*

_A public rest-room_

DANKO!SYLAR: Boo!

DANKO: You scared the shit out of me! Thank goodness I'm already in the rest-room!

DANKO!SYLAR: You know what's the best thing about the shapeshifting? Your clothes fits me perfectly!

DANKO: Can I ask you something? Why do you like chatting with strangers in the bathrooms so much? Do you remember where it's led George Michael?

_A phone call_

ANGELA: Noah!

NOAH: Angela?

ANGELA: I had a dream!

NOAH: So what? Call your shrink!

ANGELA: Ever heard of Coyote Sands? I need you there, _now!_

NOAH: Don't want! I got Sylar's body here in the morgue and I just can't stop thinking about it...

ANGELA: No wonder! Have you SEEN that body? Even I, at my age...

NOAH: Shut up, you dirty old lady, I don't want to hear it!

ANGELA: ...Just look at those arms... or that chest... or...

NOAH: OMG, that's Claire-Bear's grandmother, ladies and gentlemen!

_On__ the street_

MATT *is looking at Danko from his car* You're scared! You's SO scared... You've never been so scared in your life! Ever seen «It»? Well, that evil clown from that movie... IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! Are you scared yet? Good! Now you have to take a taxi and go to the person you're scared for the most! Good boy! And I'll escort you there...

_Near the crematorium_

NOAH: Belay the barbecue! This body doesn't belong to the person you think it does!

CREAMATORIUM WORKER #1 *to his colleagues* Do you think it's time to call the psychiatric team?

CREAMATORIUM WORKER #2: I'm not sure...

NOAH *to the body* If you're not Sylar, then WHO ARE YOU?

CREAMATORIUM WORKER #2: And now it's time!

_Alena Mikhailov's home_

RUSSIAN VIEWERS: Why is she «Mikhailov»? The suffix «ov» defines the masculine gender. Is she an Alena with a penis?

ALENA: Йа всьегда рада тибья видеть, Джейкоб!

RUSSIAN VIEWERS: Ну бля....

DANKO: Let's talk English, ok?

ALENA: Okay, mai deer! I vil spik in Inglish for you!

ENGLISH-SPEAKING VIEWERS: *facepalm* D'oh!

_Suresh Senior's Apartment_

Suresh Junior: I'm alone and talking to myself... Again.

_Danko's House_

DANKO: Alena? How'd you get here?

MATT: We came in through the door.

DANKO: You brought Alena here to prove that I'm not a salesman, I have no family and my name is not Jacob? You wanted to show her that I'm actually a cold-blooded killer?

MATT: Damn it! You spoiled all the fun! So much for vengeance. Kill me.

DANKO: With pleasure!

_*enter__s Hiro*_

HIRO: Time, stop! *drags Parkman away*

_О__n the street_

MATT: Why did you save me?

ANDO: Matt Parkman? Take your son away from me – otherwise this stupid grin will get stuck to my face forever.

MATT: Right! I have a son!

_Coyote Sands_

PETER: What are we doing here?

NATHAN: Why did I try to get here during the whole episode?

CLAIRE: Where's the bathroom?

ANGELA: If I tell you everything now, what would we do during the next episode? Who knows the correct answer?

PETER: Are we gonna save the world?

NATHAN: ...Make me the President of the USA?

CLAIRE: ...Look for a bathroom?

ANGELA: Take the shovels. The correct answer is: we gonna DIG.

_to be continued _


End file.
